How often do we look in the mirror and imagine this? Do we always wonder what it would be like to be our smaller selves? I start up on my weight loss often but quickly dwindle in motivation. I want to be the healthy one, not necessarily skinny but healthy. I realize though that I need to focus on fixing my insides first rather than trying so desperately to fix the outer. Is the answer really that simple: Get your head straight then rest will come into play?
I have always been known as the "fat" girl. I stayed small until I hit intermediate school. I spent one summer with my grandparents and was given instant freedom. Gone were the restrictions from my parents. There were no limits, I wanted it I got it. Little did I know I was self-sabotaging myself. I was heading down the rabbits hole without any fear. That summer I came back and my parents didn't recognize me. I went from skinny chick to fat girl over night. I stayed that way from 11 to now. Ten years in the making and I am still struggling. I have reached a point where I want to be thin person. On the outside I try to be happy and honest but on the inside?
Honestly, it feels as if I am rotting away. I am a mom to a beautiful daughter but it's hard to constantly be the strong one when some days I feel as if I play mom and dad. I try very hard not to hold resentment or judgement but honestly?
I feel cheated. I was promised much much more than this. I wasn't told that my marriage would crash because of one home wrecker. I wasn't told that the mental abuse would start. I wasn't told that I would keep trying and trying only to have the problem woman come into my life again, pregnant and determined to stay. I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart but I think we'll be lucky if I can come to civility by January. I look at her and I want to cry because 1) I don't see much difference between us 2) She has money 3) She is able to spoil my husband and make me feel like shit because we struggle just to get our daughter basic necessities. I envy her and maybe that is why I get so zoned on what they talk about and if she mentions me. I worry that we are fixing things but he is still gravitating towards her.
The whole relationship fling between them is pointless. It makes no sense to me. I have caught many things and take more shit than I should have. This is part of why my efforts to lose weight fail. I use their thing as a catalyst to lose weight. If I get small enough, he won't want her. No matter my efforts she is never gone and I am always manipulated into coming back because I love him. I don't regret Izzy one bit. This is not her fault at all. I don't understand how you can tear apart my marriage, know I'm home, and still wreck your way in then have the nerve to still place blame in my hands. Well at least she tried to be with other people, shame she just kept gravitating back to MY husband.
The other thing that has highly upset is that I am guilty by association so to speak. While I understand that we didn't have a strong friendship or really know each other I don't get why I was removed as friend. I think it is utter bullshit that I was held responsible for something I haven't done. I never wished ill will or harm against you. I always treated you with respect despite what you've said to others my life. Yet, I am not worthy to be your friend.
I have realized that is a battle not easily fought or won. I have to back off completely and let him make his own choices and decisions. He needs to come a conclusion as to who or what he really wants. If it is her, then fine. I think this is also why I feel lacking as a mother because she had the nerve to play with my daughter and I let the innocence and purity of my daughter overwhelm me.
In no way, shape, or form will my daughter ever call her mom. She is my daughter and I plan to protect her heart in every sense of the word. I love my daughter and as a mother I feel as if I have failed her lately. This is a huge confession for me because I keep this part hidden from everyone. I don't like baring myself because then I feel like everyone is seeing me as a failure. Too many nights I crawl into bed holding my daughter sobbing for a loss that I cannot explain. I feel as if I haven't been The Mom. You know, the mom that stays with their child at all times, that watches all the cartoons, that works with them constantly. I feel like I have become the opposite. I sleep constantly and have no energy. I try and try to dig myself out but sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing as a parent?
My depression has been heavy and I feel it all the time. I try to be positive when people are around and about because I don't want to be seen as weak. I have been tagged with titles such as weak, push over, pathetic, not worth it. I am tired of titles. I want to be me and I want to be free. I want to stop hurting and start healing. That cannot happen for me until I know exactly where things with my husband are heading.
I know that path seems evident and I am the fool for not coming to terms but I love him. He's been my rock for 8 almost 9 years and I am scared to let go. I cling to my phone waiting for his call or text because I don't want to face the very real reality that my marriage may be indeed over. I am trying to keep myself calm and focus on rebuilding myself with or without him but I don't have to strength to tell him I am scared of the future.
I feel as if my only ally is my mother in-law. I know, I know. Mother in-laws are supposed to mean, vindictive and the biggest bitch around. Until I got to know mine, I seriously thought she wanted me gone. I didn't take time to talk to her. I grew up in a household where we didn't talk or voice our opinions. It wasn't allowed and every man was for himself. My parents say they wanted you to talk but that was only so they could yell and make you feel no greater than dirt on the bottom of their shoe.
I went from that to one of the most open households. Everyone talks here and everyone voices their opinions. My husband encouraged me to talk and open myself up to momma but I couldn't. I feared her and my place in her home. No joke, I swore at one point she was plotting my death.
Then I became pregnant and I was a big bitch. Everything was a fight. I was lazy and used my pregnancy as an excuse. I threw attitude like it was salad. I swore that everyone in this house was out to get me and wanted me gone. I cried a lot and yelled a lot.
Then Ally was born and I moved out. Once we ended up back in the house we had a talk. A looonnngg talk about everything and cleared the air. We still have our moments but she has quickly become my confidant. I rely on her more than anything. She taught me the power of journaling, spirituality, finding myself, cross stitching, and most importantly opening myself up.
I truly wouldn't be where I am at without her. She put my life into a new spin and since we had some distance between us, we came back as new women. We have learned to talk to one another instead of letting things brew. We have learned to lean on one another as much as can be expected.
My greatest fear, one she constantly tries to put at ease is where things will end up should I be divorced. I lean on her way more than I should but she has become my closest friend. I wouldn't know as much as I do know without her. I wouldn't know about erotica, spankings, D/s, cross stitching, Tarot, Wicca, The Craft, or any of the other many things I do. I know you're laughing because I am smiling as I write that. How many people can say my Mother In-Law taught me about spankings?
Tonight, I am baring myself. Confessing my short comings, my fear, my doubts, and my worries. Dolvett Quince pushed the point that I am stopping myself. I am letting my head space control my body. It's time I tell my head to get out the way, this is for me. I want this. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to move forward. I want this.
My soul is bared and my slate clean. I am forgiven and I can start tomorrow fresh. I can be who I want to be as a mother, wife, and friend. I have learned that some friendships aren't worth it. Sometimes I'll be quiet but that doesn't mean I am upset. This means that I am in my own subspace. I am finding me. Some people may not like the new me but that just means that they don't need to be apart of my life.
This is who I am.
Aren't we all lost?
Don't we all deserve to be found?
There is a deep sense of relief and I read over this and realize where I am at in life.
Tomorrow I will hold my daughter as tight as possible and remember that she is my soul. She is my reason to be. My motherhood has been threatened a lot but life has also given me a lot. I have a beautiful daughter that truly reminds me each day to hold onto my passion. Some days I get a little extra frustrated with her and some days I am too harsh with my attitude but everyday she wipes my slate clean and let's me begin with a fresh plate for her. This is the innocence that we all lose as we get older. We forget the purity that was once inside all of us and that's it not too late to get back to basics and to find ourselves.
Dolvett Quince has helped ignite a fire that I thought was lit. I have bared myself and I am forgiven. I can let go of the things that have hurt me the most and move forward and start fresh. A major shift has happened to me tonight. I don't know how to explain or how to even begin but it has happened to be tonight.
