Vulnerable

Tonight I'm feeling very vulnerable. I have started writing letters like Daddy asked me to and I didn't think it'd tear me up this much emotionally. It makes me realize how alone I am. How if Daddy leaves me, I have nothing especially if he were to take Ally with him. I've also realized just how mean I have been to people and how quick I am to chuck stones. The walls are shattering which was the point of all of this but it doesn't make it any easier.

 I have let a lot of people walk over me and I have left myself open wide to many punches and I am tired of it but by standing up to them do I risk being even more alone? Tears are streaming because I realize just how much I have let the past take over my current life. I have let other people weasle in and control me for events that happened so long ago. What's worse? The emotional or the physical weight? At what point do we stop and say enough. I am not going to let you do this anymore. I have survived abuse, being touched, being used, and being lied to. At what point do I wake up and say I can't do this anymore? Am I really strong enough to just call it quits and come clean? Do I risk everything only to end being more alone? I have Daddy but not to myself just yet. That is waiting until January and after our talk and I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I had a feeling all along that he felt the way he did and after our talk last night he confirmed what I've felt so long. I am so raw tonight so maybe it's good that Daddy is gone for the night even though that wasn't the plan.

I am trying so hard to be the best wife I can be and clinging to his every word but am I really the wife he deserves? Is she right, am I just a troll? I cannot tell you how hard it was to come across the blog and see all the hurtful things that had been said about me. I am trying so hard to get through each day and be what my daughter, husband, and this house needs but I feel stretched so thin and I am so scared.

I don't want to lose my husband and essentially my family. I honestly don't know if I'd physically survive without my daughter and husband. She seems to think she is losing a lot but she isn't at risk of losing a whole family. She's so focused on her lies that she doesn't see where he is putting distance. I don't want to lose them but after our talk last night I know major changes have to made if our marriage is to survive. I really needed the talk we had and it's not that I am bitching about what he said at all, I needed to hear the words from his mouth.

I am sticking to this new lifestyle plan with an all or nothing mentality. I can see where there is the possibility to fail but I have also seen where we allow ourselves luxuries and it steers us astray from our path. I have learned more than ever lately that if I want to lose the weight, I have to do it by myself. I can't depend on anyone to push me for I have to do this and can't be taken off my path with my own abusive mentality.

I think writing these letters is just what I needed and I most certainly know that this won't be an easy night in the least. Thank you Daddy for your honesty last night, I really needed it and it means a lot that you gave it to me.