Early Morning Confessions

This morning, well all night actually, well for weeks really I have had a lot weighing in on my chest and a lot I had to consider before making such a hard decision.

I am letting this creep into my weight loss and I cannot afford to do that, I need to use this as a drive towards my weight loss not a stopping point.

I am not one to air dirty laundry and I don't intend to. I come to you guys because even though we're online you are my biggest support system so when I break down I blog. I blog for therapy. The thoughts I cannot express are going here.

My marriage has been crumbling. Let me give you a look.

I moved in right after graduation at just 18 years old with my then fiancee. We found out we were pregnant early on and were married in January of 2012, a month before our daughter was due. I was in love and I thought I had it all.

Now a few months after our daughter is born is where all the trouble starts. Well, the trouble that I found out about. My husband started up a relationship with an old flame and has continued until this day. She is actually expecting his child. I had no knowledge of this when he asked me to come home.

I am apart of one of the most dysfunctional relationships there are. We have seperated more times than I can count. There was always a solid reason behind our separation and I knew it was necessary. I truly believed that this time would be different. That he wanted our marriage. He wanted our family. He wanted me.

Once again I bare myself and leave everything behind for him in hopes he's serious. I didn't know his flame was pregnant until after I had moved in. Since then it has been hell.

He had illicted this challenge to fix our marriage but the more I weigh in on it the more I realize how one sided it is. How it makes no sense. I am forced to put forward the hours of effort for something he doesn't want to put effort forward.

Today, I am making a hard but needed decision. I am telling I cannot do this anymore. He lives one life at home but the minute his flame comes around he is another person. She has money,  I won't lie I feel like this is a big part of it. She is carrying his child and Tuesday they find out the sex of the baby. Now this is where you need another piece of crucial information. He wants a son. I know, what man doesn't? My husband wants one more than he does anything else.

Today I am going to have to force myself to close a door. The door to everything I have held close for the last eight years. I realize the only sliver of hope I have is to not care. To let him do his thing and when/if he wants our family he will have to come to
that realization on his own. I cannot fix a marriage by myself.

I am miserable, sad, depressed, etc. I am driven to lose weight but I have been craving his approval so much that it is flooding me. I cannot do it. I am seeping into a quiet place and I have been snappy towards the house. It isn't their fault I couldn't save my marriage. I am scared because I don't know what the next step is but this is the first step. Admitting defeat as I call it. Stepping away. Realizing that I cannot be the fixer by myself anymore. It takes two.