Home Front is incredibly stressful right now due to the medical problems. There's a situation spreading like wildfire which may severely hurt my husband and I due to some internal crap. Gosh, I really there was someone I could cry to about everything that is going on but here's the thing. I am so drained that I feel like when the breakdown does happen I won't be able to. Once again, Karma has made her way through and now I face losing my husband. We are trying to be positive but it's hard to when it's all due to mistakes and lies on ones part. I am trying not to linger too much and I hate that I cannot turn to someone and scream about how broken I feel.
This situation not only affects my husband but me as well and now to be safe we are having to take cautions. I am clinging hard to him and thankfully this has pulled him closer to me. Am I scared? Yes, but you see there is eight years between us. A rough eight years but eight years nonetheless. Tears, laughter, fights, and everything in between. While this may not last I am clinging to hope that things are finally settled and I am safe in leaning on my husband. I truly believe said situation has helped gravitate him back home with his family. The ones that love him the most. I know many are skeptical because we have all heard it's over a lot but honestly, I believe it is done.
I have this deep hope that I have quieted my mind enough and put enough faith that this time it's real. I love him more than anything and the thought of my marriage truly being over frightens me. I try to be tough and act like I don't care if he leaves but truly the thought rips me in two. I finally decided I needed to choose my battles and figure out which ones were worth fighting. I have silenced my fears and doubts no longer letting them control me. I am leaving myself raw for him. I am allowing myself to dive in one last time and fight. Fight like it's the biggest battle of my life. Eight years together and I really don't want to see everything crumble because our rough patch has been difficult to crawl out of.
I feel myself sinking and I am clinging to every ounce of hope. I am trying to keep myself strong for our family but not being able to freely talk, cry, scream, and everything in between is killing me. My weight loss? Down the toilet. The new birth-control shot has caused me some gain but it's mostly the secretive eating. The doubts eat at me late at night so I turn to all of the things that I shouldn't. I am trying to get back on track but I am on excuses lane. Tomorrow no matter what, I am going to face the scale and deal with the consequences. I am going to get back to tracking my food and exercising daily.
As a mom, I feel like I am down sliding there too. We have hit the terrible twos in full swing. She could be worse but her attitude drives me up the wall. I have to take many deep breaths because I see so much of myself and my husband in her. She is a spitfire not afraid to let you know how she feels. I am proud to be her mom and I couldn't be more thankful that I was gifted with her but sometimes she can push a momma to drink. My favorite moments are when she is in that clingy mode. We grab our babies and curl on the couch. Also, my good morning kisses and hugs. She is one of the most loving children and I think I'll be more crushed over her first broken heart than she will be.
Spiritually I am craving. I have sourcing out a variety of options and I know that Christianity is not my route but I am leaning into more meditation than anything and Chakra healing. Those few minutes of alone time in the mornings when the house is quiet.
Thursday, I find out my test results for everything. We are running a full work up to find out what all is wrong with me and if I am diabetic or not. While I am nervous I have realized that there is nothing I can do about it. The damage has been caused now I just have to find out to what extent and the plan of action at this point.
I am peacefully withdrawing from The Fleurty Fit Challenge because my heart just isn't in it and there are so many wonderful gals that are trying so hard. Best of luck ladies! I am just needing things to be as simple as possible right now.
In other news, Sons Of Anarchy returns Tuesday!
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